Not a relationship

This is my second story to this site.. I was initially abused for five years as a child, and it affected me a lot as a teenager. I feel like I ‘grew up’ too fast and I got myself in trouble. I was suffering from anorexia, depression and anxiety. I had cut myself off from my friends at school, and started talking to people online when I was 13. When I was 14 I ‘met’ a 22 year old Indian man on a musicians fan site. It very quickly became a ‘relationship’. But at the time I was juggling four or five older men at a time, never meeting them, lying about my age, lying about everything. If they started to suspect anything, I would ‘die’. It was back just before smart phones, so it was actually quite easy to do. I was basically a terrible person but I was desperate for attention and suicidal. But this one was different. I usually told them I was 17 and in pictures I could easily pull it off- I developed early, but he worked out very quickly that I wasn’t. Over a period of months he got himself into my life and then made me cut off communication with anyone else online – for my own safety of course.. Then he secluded me even more from the few friends I had left at school. He made me believe they all hated me. They didn’t. Two months after meeting him, everything became too much again, and I attempted suicide for the second time. Being hospitalised for two weeks and this time, I told the police about my rape when I was nine. This man became my only source of support through a trial, invasive medical exams, and struggling through school. All from 4000 miles away. It took months before he started asking for something from me.. It started with pictures, then videos and video calls where he’d make me masturbate with objects I had around the house. pens, hairbrush handles.. I don’t know anymore if he still has any of the pictures or videos. And I’m afraid about it. I knew my parents were worried, my sister too. But I was angry all the time. I felt betrayed by them all for not noticing what happened when I was a child. So I ignored them noticing it happening again. I started to realise how toxic and inappropriate it was. But every time I tried to stop talking to him, he’d threaten suicide, or to share pictures of me. So I stayed.. It took four years for me to break free from him. When I started uni I had sex for the first time (willingly- I never counted my rape as losing my virginity. It was just too sad.) and a few fights later, and an attempt at sabotaging my budding relationship, he agreed to leave. It took me such a long time to realise it wasn’t okay and that I could make it stop so easily. I knew then, there’s ceop, and other online resources. But I genuinely didn’t want him to hurt himself because of me. Because I’d seen the affect a suicide attempt has on a whole family. And I didn’t realise it was all just one big manipulation. I’ve come to realise that there are men who intentionally look for young girls who are struggling, easy to manipulate and control.. I would consider now taking legal action but I don’t know how it would work from such a distance, and I don’t want it to be like the last time. I’m actually doing well at uni and I’m starting EMDR for my PTSD




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